Tonight our Life Group shared testimonies from Kairos. As I was sharing one of the young women who went with us reminded me of one of my experiences. I hadn’t forgotten, I wasn’t going to share it because it seems a little “silly” to me…well, it wasn’t at all “silly” to me but I thought…well, it was kind of a vulnerable thing for me to share.
The back story is, growing up, I think I must have had a rough 1st grade year. In hindsight, I was likely a “handful”. I remember my teacher switching my seat several times because I talked to much and where ever she sat me I managed to make friends. She also sent me to “Special Ed” for speech therapy because she couldn’t understand me…of course I am “Texan” born and breed and she was from somewhere “up north”. Maybe she didn’t understand my “Texas Twang” or maybe she was just relieved to get me out of her classroom for an few hours every week. (The Special Ed room was really cool though…I remember it had a built in playscape before McDonalds did). During one of the sessions, they prayed that God would bring to mind a particular event that He wanted to heal. I thought about my 1st grade classroom and the little desk pushed together in groups of three or four and the little chairs. I had the distinct impression that I was “too much”.
As I I thought about it, I thought about several “words” given to me over the years; people praying or prophesying to me saying to me, “God says you are ‘more than enough’.” Somehow there was an idea that I though that I was “not enough”. My life has been a series of me receiving the message that I am “too much”. At this time, I can’t put my finger on it but I distinctly remember being told “You need to tone it down.” or “Take it down a notch.” So many times I have squelched who I am for fear of being “too much” and making other uncomfortable. I’ve been “too loud”. I’ve “talked too much”.
Even though, people were saying to me, “You are more than enough”, I was thinking, “More than enough is too much”. This solidified the message that I am “too much.”
The lie that I believed was that I was to much.
The next thing they said is “Ask Jesus where He was during that time in your life.” (or when that happened. I thought of Jesus in his white robe with the blue sash thing (this really makes me laugh because the Boy always talks about Jesus looking like this) and His sandals sitting in one of those tiny chairs. I thought, “Jesus, You must have been so bored.” In an instant, He takes me to the backyard of the little yellow house we lived in and it was me, my Boston terrier, Penny, and Jesus running and playing in the backyard. We were chasing bubbles and butterflies and giggling and dancing and having a grand ole time. He simply said, “Oh, I was never bored with you.”
The beauty of that moment was understanding that I was never “too much” for Him. He had fun. I wasn’t “too much” for Him and I wasn’t “not enough”….I was “just right”.
I am writing this so I won’t forget that I am “just right”. And I am writing this so you will know that you too are “just right” in His eyes.