Judging

Standard

I’ve been thinking a lot about judging recently.  Why?  Because I have been feeling judged.  Admittedly, I am reaping what I have sowed.  Yes, I said it.  It’s out there…I always have an opinion about everything…well, not so much these days…okay, well, yes sometimes I still do.

Here is the thing about being a judgy person, eventually it bites you in the butt because you judge yourself the hardest and when you don’t meet your own standard you feel like a failure.

At a leaders conference recently, the pastor of a fine church said, “We have learned that sometimes things just have to be ‘good enough’.  They may not be perfect but they are ‘good enough’ for now.”

I have had to adopt the “good enough” attitude about some things in my life.   My house is “clean enough” for now.  My son’s all orange out fit (with oranges that don’t quiet match) is “close enough” and the babies might not be wearing shoes when you see them (it is hot in Texas in the summer!) and that’s okay.

After getting married, for years I felt like I wasn’t a very good wife because I don’t cook dinner every night and I RARELY have dinner on the table when The Hubs gets home.  Also, I don’t like cleaning.  And I usually wear a t-shirt to bed instead of something “sexy”.  I would much rather study and write than workout.  I had an older woman in my life tell me I should have dinner on the table…etc.  (not my mom…nope, I think she went on strike from cooking a long time ago).  I judged myself as “not a very good wife” and felt very judged by the woman who told me I should be doing it.

Then I became a parent and I really judged myself. 

And I’m not dealing with kids I gave birth…and inherited kids come with even more problems than the ones you grow yourself.  We are dealing with detoxing and overcoming pasts.  

When my baby is crying and some one well-meaning comes up and asks me if they can hold my crying baby, all I can think is, “You think I’m not doing a good job” or “You think I am not capable of this task”.  And then I think…”I’m the mama…if this baby (who is very bonded with me) is crying for me she will certainly be crying when you have her.” (if I have two crying babies…PLEASE ask to hold one of them!)  

I know, it’s about my perception and not the intent of others.

Over the past few weeks I have felt a little more beat up than usual…  1. I forgot a weekly meeting I attend…just missed it.  2. I forgot to order my son’s school books on Friday (he starts Kinder on Monday)  3. I forgot all about the weekly women’s Bible Study I had been leading this summer and when asked about it, I told one friend my plan but forgot to tell others in the group.  4. I forgot I ordered some jewelry at a jewelry party I attended…  I’m just forgetful lately.  I have to write everything down.

Then out of the blue, a friend was over and we were talking about fostering.  I shared with her how I was feeling guilty about hurting our friends and family when when a child leaves our care after we have loved them and attached to them.   Then she said to me, “You all handle this all so gracefully”.  I hope I said “Thank you” to her because those words hit my heart.  

I wasn’t looking for her approval.  I wasn’t fishing for a compliment (I don’t think I was)  It was kind.  She doesn’t judge because she has 4 kids of her own and she knows how hard it all can be.  The whole time she is holding our very wiggly 4 month old because I’m trying (at 7 pm) to make some refried beans for dinner.

Thank you friend.  I needed to hear those words even if I didn’t realize it.

That’s what we all need people in our lives who will see the best and speak to the best in us rather than see the failures and speak to the failures.

By the way, all those other things I forgot…everyone has been very gracious to me about my forgetting…

I’m looking for the positive today and I’m going to speak to things done well. 

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One thought on “Judging

  1. Thanks for telling this story. I love how someone else’s mercy towards you beat out your self-judgment. It’s awesome to have friends like that, and to be a friend like that to someone else.
    -Peter from the Bridge

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